A Very Disturbing Message

The office in which I work is a microcosm of society representing each and every walk of life all self contained in a quaint little 20,000 employee building. We have shops, banks, bakeries, a cafeteria, and even a McDonald's right around the corner from me. Working here has shown me the other side of life of which I am all too often unaware. Take today, for example. I was in the upstairs cafeteria bathroom either scratching off some lottery tickets or masturbating (I can't remember which, but both activities sound exactly the same to a passer by) when I beheld a very disturbing message on the back of the stall door. Three simple words with such an evil connotation that would become forever etched in my mind..."I hate crackers!"

I thought to myself, "Why would any man or woman harbor such a deep resentful vendetta against crackers, enough to want to take time out of their day to scratch it into a metal stall door?" Then thought, "Yeah, it was probably a man since I am in the men's bathroom, after all."

At first I just couldn't believe that anyone would have the gall to be so crass. I mean, sure they're white, dry and salty, but hate? That's a pretty strong word. I can't remember detesting anything enough to permanently document it on the wall of a public toilet. Actually that's not true. There was this one girl I knew in high school named Laura who walked up to me with her snobby friends at phys ed class after I had run a couple laps around the track and said, "Jeez, Steve. Work out much?!!" OK so I was sweating...badly. Lots of guys sweat when they run track. The worst part is that I just laughed nervously as if to say, "No, Laura. As a matter of fact I do not. That was pretty funny the way you just humiliated me while simultaneously making yourself look cooler in front of your friends. Kudos to you, old chap."
Two years later I thought of the perfect response, which was "Fuck you, whore!!!" That would have been sweet because she was one. Heh heh.

Anyway...back to crackers. Was it a certain type of cracker that this man dislikes so much? Maybe he had a really dry mouth and tried to eat a saltine. I've heard that sometimes when people abuse drugs like marijuana, their mouths get dry. Perhaps he was stoned and didn't have a drink of water nearby? Of course I soon realized this theory doesn't make sense either, since I've heard from numerous reliable sources that dope smoking hippies are a peace loving group that does not even own the word hate in its vocabulary. They only use words like "man, dude, totally, whoa, and patchouli."

It would be a bit more understandable if they picked a certain brand. I personally bear somewhat of a grudge against Ritz crackers, with their whole self important "I'm better than you" attitude. They really tick me off sometimes, too, especially if topped with something smug like caviar or oysters...bastards. Or perhaps it was one of those horribly crunchy sesame seed crackers that almost break your teeth when you bite into them. If I am correct in this line of thought though, I'm puzzled as to why the cracker hater would think of either of these two brands as they don't serve anything close to them in our cafe'. The only types they serve are club crackers and captain's wafers, both of which in my mind are virtually unhatable.

Well, I guess I will never know why this man felt so compelled to announce to the world his extreme dislike of these delicious buttery cheese platforms. However, I vow that if I ever find this man, I will encourage him to try other varieties before writing them off completely. If he does not, In time I fear his narrow minded hateful view may eventually transmogrify into more grave schemata, such as an abhorance of those of a different skin color.

Peace, my bruthas and sistas.